He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
