Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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