I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
