just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
