Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
