His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
