I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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