So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
