A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
