were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
