I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
