So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
