All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize