So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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