I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
