I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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