remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
