He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
