She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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