I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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