I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
