his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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