Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize