At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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