I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
