do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
