I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize