his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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