if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
