i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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