I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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