She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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