her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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