The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
