this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
