I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize