i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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