if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
