hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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