Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
