yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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