just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
