Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
