I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
