I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
