you traded sex for a burrito?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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