I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
