you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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