he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
