this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
