My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
