My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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