Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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