I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize