I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
