she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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