You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
