when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
