you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
