my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Couch. On fire.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize