arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
