I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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